Got jokes?

[Safersephx]

same joke here, but replace irishman with newfie =<

[Juvant]

lolnewfoundland

[Safersephx]

lol, suprised someone knew what i was talking about

[Darkwarrior]

newfies... the lolwelsh or the lolfrench of canada

[Watkins]

A man and a woman are in divorce court fighting over custody of their children. The Judge can't be swayed either way so he decides to give each of them a minute to give their best argument as to why they should be given custody.

The woman starts and says to the Judge: "Your Honor, I carried those children for the 9 month pregnancy. Then I went through the pains of labor to bring them into this world. I should be given custody because of that."

The man stands up to speak and says: "Your Honor, if I put a dollar bill into a soda machine and out pops a soda, Who's soda is it? Mine or the machine's?"



;oa.

[Aemora]

A man and a woman are in divorce court fighting over custody of their children. The Judge can't be swayed either way so he decides to give each of them a minute to give their best argument as to why they should be given custody.

The woman starts and says to the Judge: "Your Honor, I carried those children for the 9 month pregnancy. Then I went through the pains of labor to bring them into this world. I should be given custody because of that."

The man stands up to speak and says: "Your Honor, if I put a dollar bill into a soda machine and out pops a soda, Who's soda is it? Mine or the machine's?"



;oa.

Quite clever~

[Ladchamber]

A young boy comes home from Jr. High with a smirk on his face. The mom asks, "And what are you so happy about today?". The boy replies excitedly, "I lost my virginity today!".

The boys mom didn't remember him having a girlfriend, so naturally asked "To who?" The boys face blushed furiously and he told her "To my English teacher".

So the mom starts screaming and hollering, about stagetory rape, and calls her husband and demands him come home at once for an emergency. So the dad gets home, and his wife tells him everything thats happend, and she orders him to take their son to the police station to press charges.

Father and son pile into his pick-up truck and take off. Instead of scolding the boy, he tells him that he's proud of his son for becoming a man. Gives him the whole "birds and bees" speech as the boy sat quietly. About the same time the speech ended, they pulled up in front of a Bike store. The dad told the boy that he could pick out ANY bike in the store as a congradulation gift.

After 30 minutes of walking, the boy spots a low-rider bike with a big cushion and declares to his dad that this was the bike he wanted. The dad questioned as to why he wanted it and the boy replied, "Ever since I had sex, my ass has been hurting- and the cushion should help...."

[Aemora]

A young boy comes home from Jr. High with a smirk on his face. The mom asks, "And what are you so happy about today?". The boy replies excitedly, "I lost my virginity today!".

The boys mom didn't remember him having a girlfriend, so naturally asked "To who?" The boys face blushed furiously and he told her "To my English teacher".

So the mom starts screaming and hollering, about stagetory rape, and calls her husband and demands him come home at once for an emergency. So the dad gets home, and his wife tells him everything thats happend, and she orders him to take their son to the police station to press charges.

Father and son pile into his pick-up truck and take off. Instead of scolding the boy, he tells him that he's proud of his son for becoming a man. Gives him the whole "birds and bees" speech as the boy sat quietly. About the same time the speech ended, they pulled up in front of a Bike store. The dad told the boy that he could pick out ANY bike in the store as a congradulation gift.

After 30 minutes of walking, the boy spots a low-rider bike with a big cushion and declares to his dad that this was the bike he wanted. The dad questioned as to why he wanted it and the boy replied, "Ever since I had sex, my ass has been hurting- and the cushion should help...."

Predictable :<

[Juvant]

i just let out an "ohhhhhhhhh" of disgust

[Ladchamber]

lol- thats by far my favorite joke ever.

[Scorsese]

FUNI!

[Tyriac]

Phone up the mental health hotline and listen to your options.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[Tyriac]

These are all clean jokes, and probably the most stupid in the world........which is why you will laugh. Read them as if Tommy Cooper was telling them...



I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"


I said, "No, it's a permanent job."


I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."


I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.


My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Aemora]

Phone up the mental health hotline and listen to your options.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

WHOLY SHIT CAN YOU GET THE VIDEO CLIP THAT GOES WITH THIS????

I went on a film course some 5 years ago, and we went to Aberystwyth University to watch a whole bunch of short films. One of them was the script above... Done in a fantastically awesome and amazing Cartoon format... I laughed so hard watching the clip, it was crazy. We also watched one of the first documentory's on Parquar, or however it is spelt. Fucking awesome shit. Then 2 years later, it's all the craze.

This film course led me to write the script, and music and shoot it for a film for the Red Cross shown through schools in Wales today. It's my mini-claim-to-fame. Weeeeee~

[Safersephx]

british humour ;o

i always wanted to see it in action

[Tyriac]

i dont know where to begin looking for that footage sowwy aemo, i had a friend looking too

[Machdaddy]

A black guy was sitting on a bench in the park.



Then a human walked by.

Quite possibly the most racist joke I've ever heard. Leave it to a redneck to come up with it.

[Safersephx]

i dont get it

[Machdaddy]

It means to imply that black people aren't human, gawd.
Like I said, one of the most racist jokes I've ever heard.

[Ladchamber]

A black guy was sitting on a bench in the park.



Then a human walked by.

Quite possibly the most racist joke I've ever heard. Leave it to a redneck to come up with it.

lol. I was waiting for a follow up of:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdJAd97jx8U