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All the World is Not a Stage:
Why Cops Shouldn't Make More Than Movie Stars
I know this is Facebook and due to societies inability to read messages longer than 140 characters (thanks Twitter), I doubt anyone will actually read this. However if you're still reading at this point, well done! You're past the 140 character barrier and well on your way to being more important than Kim Kardashian and that guy who makes those retarded YouTube videos. If you don't know who that guy is don't worry, it's anyone who makes a YouTube video.
The reason I'm writing this is because I'm really tired of people saying 'police officers should make the amount of money that movie stars should make'. The Fuzz's salary typically comes through the taxes that citizens pay, not always the case, but it's generally accepted that in some way, shape or form, I'm paying a cop to scarf down donuts then attempt to handcuff the guy whose bludgeoning me with a crowbar.
According to Stats Canada, in 2011 there were 69,438 paid police officers throughout the country. A few different websites gave varied results as to who exactly goes where, but the general consensus is that the top paid actors of 2011 were Leo, Johnny Depp, Adam Sandler, Will Smith, Tom Hanks, Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr., Marky Mark, Tim Allen and Tom Cruise. Combined they made approximately $375,000,000 and remember, this is just the top paid actors, if the top paid actresses were included this number would be a lot higher. This number balances out to an average of $37,500,000 per top ten actor. After looking at a bunch of policing websites, a slew of different numbers from different officers, I came to the conclusion that the average every day cop makes around 45k a year. Feel free to judge this number all you want, but I looked so much into it that it seems like a fair number. Since Stats Canada said there were 69,438 paid officers in Canada in 2011, the amount of cash we forked out to pay them is around $3,124,710,000. Holy shit.
So if the top Hollywood stars are making on average 37.5 million bucks a year, then God damn every cop should be making that much! Your logic, not mine. So let's take that amount and multiple it by the number of cops in Canada and you get $2,603,925,000,000. Now you need to subtract the amount of money we're already paying the cops, so the new number is $2,600,800,290,000. Whoop-dee-doo. The population in Canada in 2010 was 33,487,208. Obviously that number is higher now but whatever. If you take the amount of money (that big ass trillion digit thing, but if my childhood taught me anything that number is like a gazillion), each person in Canada would need to be forking out $77,665 a year so pay for their law enforcement. That's right, because you had to get all snooty about how much cops get paid each officer gets like 100,000 donuts a year from each citizen because of you. I really doubt that cop is going to save me from the crowbar-bashing maniac now you dolt. Oh, that number also includes like homeless people n' shit. And you know you're going to have to cover their asses because they sure as hell ain't going to pay. Now that you need to dish out some serious cash, I bet you'll be thinking twice about having to get that stupid scarf for your yappy dog. Once again, your fault.
By the way, remember that this is Canada only. Since it's impossible to tell how much money in the world their really is (thank you very much Google Search. "Advanced Search" my ass), it's safe to say that Canada is now dishing out a high percentage of the worlds money to pay cops to eat their fatasses to death. Also, remember that this is for cops only. I know people say fire fighters and nurses (and maybe murses, but I'm still not sure that's a real thing) should also be paid top Hollywood bucks. Well, well done moron, it's now going to cost me $50,000 for a lap dance because you couldn't keep your stupid mouth shut.
You may also want to take into account that now everyone and their grandmother is going to want to be a cop. Simply (and hilariously) multiplying Canada's population by Marky Mark and the Hollywood Rich Fucks bank accounts and you get $1,255,770,300,000,000. Remember that whole gazillion thing I was talking about earlier? Yeah, that. At least now with everyone making more money than is actually in the world we can afford to pay everyone else’s salaries in Canada. Or not. Whatever. Remember that this is a yearly salary as well. Maybe 2012 was right; because of the amount of money we're going to spend on booze the world is probably going to drink itself to death. I also expect Canada's population to skyrocket because we're all going to be drunk, ALL THE TIME. And we know what happens then. Answer: we pee ourselves.
I realize of course when people say they want cops to make Hollywood money they're actually just implying they want them to make a bit more on average for what they put up with on an hourly basis. But no one actually says that so fuck you.
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