My dearest Santa Claus,

Christmas is coming soon and in this letter I have several demands of you. I have been a very good boy this year and I deserve everything that I’m demanding. If you feel that you shouldn’t meet these demands, just think of the safety of all your elves. You wouldn’t want poor Snowball to come home to a house full of his dead family would you? I shall list my demands now, and you shall meet them. Or else…
My first demand is your sleigh, equipped with reindeer and hot chocolate maker. If your sleigh currently has no hot chocolate maker installed, I suggest you get one and soon. Before handing your sleigh over to me you will groom all your reindeer and potty train them. I don’t want my backyard full of reindeer poop. They must be able to fly away and poop on my enemies’ houses. You must also wash and wax the sleigh, and include a how to instruction pamphlet containing everything I would need to know on how to command the reindeer.
My second demand is twenty of your finest elves, and five of your worst elves. The bad elves are to make the good elves look even better. You must also instruct the elves that when they are handed over to me they will be equipped with collars that will blow up if a rebellion occurs. The elves shall take orders from me without question, and also must love me unconditionally. When selecting your finest elves, make sure they are the tallest you have; I don’t want people that can’t reach onto the top shelf without a ladder. If you are unable to find tall elves then you are to teach the elves how to make an elf ladder so they can do the biddings that require height.
My third demand is a very large pneumatic tube system from my house to the North Pole. You will build this yourself, and it shall be large enough to send dead elves and reindeer through. I require this because some of the missions I will be sending the elves on have a very small survival chance. If one of them were to die, I shall require an immediate replacement and I obviously cannot be troubled to dispose of dead bodies, this will be your job. The tube shall be opaque so random passersby can’t see the contents of what is being transported. You will not instruct my 25 elves to build this as it is no doubt time consuming and I will require the elves immediately.
My fourth and final demand is that you build me a weather controlling device. This device shall be used to make my house into a snow fortress year-round. When sleeping at night I will not want to be disturbed, and my elf mission will undoubtedly make many enemies for me. You will be controlling this weather controlling device from the North Pole. My house will need a snow-moat, a snow-drawbridge, icicle death mazes (at least three on all sides,) and you will fortify the structure of my house with ice, snow, and hot chocolate makers.
In closing, in the whole world, I am the least naughty person you will find. Just remember, failure to meet any one of these demands will result in the deaths of hundreds of elves, not to mention Mrs. Claus. You wouldn’t want her grey hair shaved off and sent to you in the mail would you?

Sincerely