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Author:	Dracus [ Mon Apr 30, 2007 10:27 pm ]
Post subject:	Got jokes?
Well, im sure everyone has some jokes or funny stories to tell. As I sit here at work being bored, i go on our site for a laugh. Well its all scattered all over the place, soooo i figured lets put it on one area. Here I will start THE WEDDING TEST My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend d! own when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and! went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!" The moral of this story is..... Always keep your condoms in your car.

Author:	Tyriac [ Mon Apr 30, 2007 10:53 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject:politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion." The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman.""What?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the Parrot, "I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."

Author:	Dracus [ Mon Apr 30, 2007 11:22 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
this made me laugh xD http://www.anvari.org/fun/Marriage/Indi ... Radio.html

Author:	Tyriac [ Mon May 07, 2007 12:12 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat? A. A Klondike Bar Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small?" Q. Why don't women wear watches? A. There's a clock on the stove! Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week. Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN! Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me. Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving. Q. What's the difference between love and herpes? A. Love doesn't last forever. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. A. The thief was spending less then his wife. Q. Why do women have small feet? A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to. Q. How do men sort out their laundry? A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable. Q. What's the difference between a man and ET? A. ET phoned home. Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? A. It doesn't need cleaning. Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes. Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts. Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties? A. Clitty litter Q. I married Miss Right. A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself? A. He's smoking a cigarette. Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil. Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete? A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week? A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week! Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" Q. What is the cheapest meat? A. Deer balls, there under a buck. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? A. The captains log. Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out? A. A lesbian with a hard-on. Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off! Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Author:	Safersephx [ Mon May 07, 2007 2:21 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
lol, some of those were pretty good tyriac, you're one badass mama

Author:	Aemora [ Mon May 07, 2007 3:37 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Copy-and-paste.

Author:	Scorsese [ Mon May 07, 2007 4:36 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Our neighbor, Rick loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." Rick looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." Rick looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. Rick said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." Rick looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, Picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." Rick opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Author:	Tyriac [ Tue May 08, 2007 9:38 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

Author:	Aemora [ Tue May 08, 2007 12:20 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Quote: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. <.<; I must confess to this... ...We did have sex though sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo~ ^.^

Author:	Tyriac [ Wed May 09, 2007 6:20 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Saw this and just HAD to post for you guys Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's......... I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy f*ckin dog food??

Author:	Juvant [ Thu May 10, 2007 8:25 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
tyr you dirty...dirty woman. those are lol

Author:	Dracus [ Mon May 14, 2007 9:56 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Where else can u meet a Dirty girl like Tyr. She's awesome~ <3~

Author:	Tyriac [ Tue May 15, 2007 2:54 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there isnt enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you the revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? What is the speed of darkness? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? Do you cry under water? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum." Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ?? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Author:	Tyriac [ Thu May 17, 2007 10:03 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
WHY I'M KNACKERED Yes, I'm knackered. For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build-up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living. I'm knackered because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 51 million. 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million at school. That leaves 11 million to do the work. 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government to look after us. That leaves 5 million to do the work. One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work. 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to help the government to look after us. That leaves one million to do the work. There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons. Which leaves 2 people to do the work. You and me. And you are sitting on your arse reading this. No wonder I'm bloody knackered!

Author:	Juvant [ Thu May 17, 2007 7:25 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
lol'd

Author:	Knyght [ Thu May 17, 2007 7:28 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Alot of these sound like George Carlin material, which makes me lol even furthermore ;D lol@ Quote: What is the speed of darkness?

Author:	Scorsese [ Thu May 17, 2007 7:51 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
<3 George Carlin

Author:	Dracus [ Thu May 17, 2007 9:51 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
Knyght wrote: Alot of these sound like George Carlin material, which makes me lol even furthermore ;D lol@ Quote: What is the speed of darkness? lol...

Author:	Safersephx [ Fri May 18, 2007 2:07 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
tyriac post some british humour D;

Author:	Aemora [ Fri May 18, 2007 2:40 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Got jokes?
An Englishman, Welshman and an Irishman are all in a car, travelling through the desert, when it suddenly breaks down. So, each with thier own concept of survival, they all decide to carry 1 thing with them from the car. The Englishman takes all the Water. The Welshman takes all the food. And the Irishman rips the car door off. As they are travelling through the vast stretch of sanddunes and whatnot, they all get a little thirsty, so the Englishman gets out the water and they all replenish their draught. A few hours later, they become weary, so the Welshman gets the food out of his rucksack, and they all have something to eat, to restore their energy levels and make them last a little longer. A few hours pass again, and the Englishman and Welshman wonder what on earth a car door can do with them surviving. So they turn to the Irishman and ask him why he decided to bring it... He said, "Well, if ever it gets hot, I can always wind the window down." BOOM-BOOM!

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