I'm sitting here giggling to myself over what sort of chatter this game could bring to the table.

"They're attacking! Who do we have on cake?"

"Stuffing now."

"They're here! Holy fuck, we're wiped. They're going for a lift!"

"No good, she's too fat! Take them down!"

If this game somehow turns out crappy, it will be the greatest injustice of all.

Fat Princess isn't just good, it's really good. It's by far the best PlayStation Network game I've played since PixelJunk Monsters, it's the best videogame I've played in quite sometime, and I'm pretty sure it's going to end up getting my vote for the best game at E3.

Yeah, I'm surprised too.

If you're even aware of Fat Princess, it's probably just that quick snippet we saw during Sony's E3 press conference this morning, and that doesn't even begin to do the title from Darkstar and Sony justice. The result of some screwed up cloning project involving Animal Crossing, Strawberry Shortcake, and Warhawk; Fat Princess puts you on a team of eight to 32 cute-as-pie cartoony male and female characters; lets you choose from eight to ten dessert-themed levels such as Coco Cliffs and Black Forest, and proceeds to place you in some of the bloodiest battles seen on this platform.

I'm serious.

The goal of these battles depends on the mode you're playing -- obviously team deathmatch is all about eradicating the other squad -- but at the heart of the game is Capture the Princess. When you start a game, each team's base will have their opponent's princess inside. All the enemies that are assaulting your base will be trying to get in and get their fair lady out. Now, you can kill these guys if you like, but your best defense is to go outside of your stronghold and find pieces of cake and other dessert items. You'll then bring these snacks to the opponent's princess, force her to eat them, and watch her get fatter. Big gals are heavy and that means your opponents are going to have in groups to carry her fat ass back home.

There are five classes of characters to be in Fat Princess, and each has their own pros and cons. Swordsmen get a sword and shield, but they move slowly when they're blocking. Archers are quicker than most and can perform ranged attacks, but they can get cut down pretty easy in hand-to-hand combat. Wizards can hurl fireballs, Priests can heal their team and curse their opponents, and builders can reinforce your base.

The demo we played this afternoon had us as the red team against the bastards on the blue team. We duked it out on the Black Forest map, which has a base on each side of the screen and a river running down the center. When the round began, we picked up the builder hat -- changing classes is an instantaneous process that just requires you to pick up that class' hat -- and ran to the front entrance. We already had some wood in our inventory and we whipped up some doors for the base so that the blue guys couldn't just run in. That took a second, and then we jogged out, chopped down some trees, and deposited the wood in a chest inside. Next, we assembled a cauldron so the base had fire, switched to the archer hat, and began firing flaming arrows at the incoming bad guys.

We were playing a single-player campaign -- online multiplayer's in there too -- and the AI was pretty adept at handling itself on the battlefield. While I shot guys in the head and marveled at the blood splattering and pooling on the bright green grass, my computer cohorts were going blow for blow with the blue team and feeding the blue princess chilling in my basement. In fact, one blue guy came to get his gal and she was so fat he couldn't even make it to the stairs under her massive body before my boys showed up and sliced him.

Once you get past the fact that the Black Forest looks like a kiddie Nintendo game -- in all the rights ways -- you'll find that there's actually a lot of strategy on the playfield. Next to the highest point of my base was teeter-totter. If I wanted to, I could stand on it and have a teammate leap from the tower to propel me into the air and into the battle. If I wanted to make life harder for everyone, I could take out the map's only bridge and make everyone wade through the waterway, but if I did that, the piranhas in the water would eat everyone regardless of team affiliation. However, even with those options, the best attack I saw was when a demo-er launched a priest from the catapult on my base's roof to the area right outside the blue base where he put on his dark robes and began casting a curse. True, the priest was killed, but it was still a rad attempt.

Still, hands down, the best moment was when I switched to being a swordsman and caught up with a guy at the door to my base. I drew back the sword, slammed it into his head, and blood exploded all over the wooden door. Amazing.

Sadly, Sony and Darkstar weren't ready to announce a release date for Fat Princess, but I can assure you it won't come soon enough. This game features character customization, a multi-heart health bar, and fat-bottom girls that make the rockin' world go 'round.