Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo.

Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.

Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright. "Is it alright?" asked Victoria Beckham. The driver prodded the cow with his
foot and shook his head. "No ma'am, it's dead."

"Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!"

So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came
back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.

"Oh my god, what happened to you?" Victoria exclaimed.

"Well ma'am," explained the driver, "the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me."

"Just what the hell did you say to them?"

"I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow."


======================================================================




One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got
up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their
pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this
confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"



The man replied, "Yep, sure do."




Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"




"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.



Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,

"Why aren't you afraid of me?"




The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

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So um I dont fly much (havent for over 20 years) but Im sure my flight attendant didnt do his speach like this...


http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=e1c_1193434904

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LOL

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

========================

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard
says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."



=================

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Dianas death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!And this is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates technology Which he enjoyed stealing from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is Globalization! Finally, an explanation in English

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~~~c~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~i bet u can't look away

i liked the victoria beckham one ty luv

meh I only have one joke and its about black people and cotton, and ive already told it like 9 million times.

_________________

lol best one in here tbh mert XD

p.s i liek the global thing. so tru

_________________

do tell!

_________________
lol

9 million seems a little farfetched.

_________________

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=d15_1194327813

nearer the end there's the black dots white dots thing and the colour thing.
At the very end once i closed my eyes i was like hmmmm not much but kept my eyes closed that bit longer and yeah purdy gewd

_________________

_________________

Moar fun stuff


Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."


Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"
Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."
Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Witness: "Borofkin."
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Lawyer: "What is your marital status?"
Witness: "Fair."

Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
Witness: "My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
Witness: "She is my daughter."
Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Lawyer: "It was covered?"
Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

_________________

and some moar

A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon!

All he wants is anal sex and my rectum is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel.'

Her Mother says,'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $10,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?'




One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he
found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a
poof, a genie came out. ''I will grant you three wishes but whatever
you wish for your ex-wife gets double,'' said the genie.
''Okay. for my first wish I want one million dollars,'' said the man.
And, in a poof of smoke, one million dollars appeared.
''Hmm... but now my ex-wife has two million dollars,'' said the man,
''But, for my next wish, I want a five-story manson." And, in a poof
of smoke his house turns into a five-story manson. ''But now my
ex-wife has a twenty-story manson,'' said the man.
''And now, for your last wish?'' asked the genie. ''Hmmm... YES! I
have the greatest wish yet. Why didn't think of this earlier?!''
replied the man. ''For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to
death!!!'' '


A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign
ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New
York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of
this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was
startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult
foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat
diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our
engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone,
called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said,
"Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she
thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part
of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest
vineyards of Italy."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New
York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick
conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final
request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch
penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands.
After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador
slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"


"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle
Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the
stairs and she's not moving any more."

"Oh no...and what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must
have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

**** long pause***
|
|
v
Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool ???

Is this 597-7039?"

_________________

While waiting in line to be checked into Heaven Mr. Cravin decides to talk to his follow companions in heaven. Mr. Cravin turns to the man behind him and say “Wow who would have thought that I would end up here at the young age of 43”. The guy behind him replies “Ya I know how you feel I didn’t think I would be here this soon either, by the way why are you here?” Mr. Cravin replies “For the past month I had begun to think my wife was cheating on me, I would come home for work and things would just look out of place around the house for some reason. So today I left work early to see if my suspicions where correct.” The guy behind him starts to get interested in the story and asks “So where you correct? Did you find your wife cheating on you?” Mr. Cravin shakes his head and replies “I never found out, I got home and could have sword I heard voices and movement from inside the house, however when I got in it was silent. So I decided to check the house from top to bottom, I checked the attic, the basement, the closets, even my work shed and I didn’t find anyone. After all my running around the house trying to find out if my wife was cheating I suppose I had a heart attack and well now I’m here.” Mr. Cravin then says “Well now you know my story, so how did you end up here?” The guy replies “I was having an affair with this lady, her husband came home from work early and we panicked, We heard him checking all over the house so I decided to hid in the Freezer, however when I closed it the latch fell and locked me in, and well I froze to death, but damn that Cravin bitch was a good ride.”

_________________

do not joke about victoria beckham.


she is hot. therefore she wins by default.

_________________

Victoria Beckham is the biggest joke from the UK

_________________

hot?? she's fkn skeletal, fairly gross imo D:

Jaye lieks teh gurlz wit eating disorders and no talent obviously

_________________

She's the UKs version of Paris Hilton.

There's nothing sexy about a skeleton encased in tanned leather.

_________________

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